Author: My Mirrored Life

The Diamond Female: Surviving Societal Norms

Eunice is my name, but my friends call me Nini. I grew up in a small and peaceful village in a country in West Africa. I am the youngest of 8 children; the only girl. One of my brothers passed away when I was barely 3 years old from a car accident. So now we are 7.

When I was quite young, I would rummage through the village for anything that caught my eyes and use whatever I found to make random items. I once made a toy car and gifted it to my immediate elder brother. Anytime my parents saw my creations, they would destroy them and scream at me for not spending my day cleaning the house or hand-washing everyone’s clothes. At some point, I lost interest in building things.

My 13th birthday was a turning point for me. Instead of the huge celebration my parents gave all of my brothers, I was called to a room and given instructions on how I should conduct myself as a female so that society doesn’t frown on me. After this lecture my parents and I went to the living room and we took pictures with my brothers. This was before I was forced to the kitchen to cook for everyone as I was told that women don’t rest. From this day on, I wasn’t able to go out except to school and to my immediate neighbour’s house only because all the children were female. It was brutal. I would watch my brothers go anywhere they wanted and at any time with no repercussions. All that was expected of them was to be home by 10 pm and to pass their exams at school.

I started resenting being female and for a few years I was what you’d call a “tom boy”. I refused to wear my clothes. I wore baggy pants and “wife-beaters” from my brothers’ closets. My parents were furious and spanked me almost everyday because of my dressing. I couldn’t care less. At that point I was hard as a rock; I could take the beating. Then one night I snuck out to a friend’s 16th birthday celebration. She had a few friends over at her house. We ate, gisted and played a ton of games. It was when I felt sleepy that I realized it was 9pm. I said my goodbyes and rushed home. When I got home I saw one of my brothers at the door waiting to get in too. We spoke briefly before my mother opened the door and he said he just got back from his girlfriend’s place. My mother let us in with a smile, told my brother to get some food from the kitchen and then she beat me mercilessly. Later that night I opened my window, jumped out and just kept walking.

I ended up sleeping by the roadside in a neighbouring village and the next afternoon I found a church and asked if I could do some work for them in exchange for food. They asked about my family and where I came from. I told them I ran away because some ritualists killed my family and tried to kill me too. They took me in and gave told me to clean the toilets daily. They also gave me a mattress to sleep on the floor with.

A few months later one of the pastors was moving to the city and needed someone to help him at his house. I volunteered to go with him and help as I was hoping to get a new lease on life. When we got to the city there wasn’t much to do in his house as he spent most of his time at the church. So I asked if he could assist with my education as I was bored. I let him know that I’d still cook and clean as usual but I needed to stimulate my mind. 3 years later, at the age of 19 I graduated from secondary school. I was the oldest in my class but I was glad that I made it through and at the top of my class.

Because of my performance I got a scholarship to study engineering. After working as an engineer for 2 years, I realized it wasn’t for me. So I eventually switched to advertising and brand management and I’m now a Vice President at one of the largest consumer goods companies in the world.

Looking back now, I realize that the tough and unfair upbringing I had is what has pushed me to the successful life I now enjoy. I have fought among men and succeeded. I do not take “no” as an answer and don’t think I ever will. I have given back to my village by building and funding schools. I didn’t want to say this, but none of my brothers is as successful as I am today. And I actually take care of 2 of them at the moment as they never graduated from secondary school. The ones that are married have wives who complain that they never help out and are always home late. I really can’t blame them. It’s what they were used to while growing up.

Anyway, I have a partner now. I feel like I’m too old to use the word “boyfriend” so I just say partner. I’m only 36 by the way. He has asked me to marry him twice already, but I’m worried that when we get married and start living together his expectations of me would be based on societal norms. We are still figuring that out, but I’m happy for now. And I’m still working on my relationship with my parents. I visit them often but the bond isn’t quite good yet.

Unearthing The Unforgotten

Growing up my parents always told myself and my twin brother about their lives at university. You could hear the excitement in their voices when they spoke about their experiences; the best of which was the day they met each other. But that’s a story for another day. They had a tough time having children so when we came into the world, they made it a priority to spend quality time with us. I am forever grateful to them for their love and care.

As a result of their numerous stories, I decided I would go to their university as well. I remember my first days there. I was so naive. But with some good friends and time, I adjusted to the system and things went pretty well afterwards. I believe it was after my second class at the university that the professor called me to discuss something privately in his office. At first, I was a little worried because I was wondering if I was too forward during the lecture. But when I got to his office, he assured me that all was well. He then asked me my name and I when I told him he said “I knew it, you look just like him”. Before I got a chance to ask what he was referring to, he mentioned my dad’s name and asked if I was his son. I said yes. He explained that they went to school together and had since lost touch. I also remember him stating that my dad was a “G” and laughing so loudly. He asked me to reconnect them and I did after a conversation with my dad.

I believe it was a few weeks later when I bumped into a Dean while I was heading out to lunch with my friends. She said I looked familiar and asked for my name. When I told her she asked me to repeat my last name. I did and with some reluctance she asked to confirm my dad’s name and when I told her she screamed with a little bit of disappointment on her face. I was confused, but when I asked if everything was ok she shut me down and wandered off. Later that day I remember calling my dad to explain both occurrences to him and he just brushed them off and asked me about my friends and when I’d be coming home next.

But some weeks later, I had another similar experience. Being that this occurred again, I felt like there was more to this story. So when I got home after the school year ended, I spoke to my dad about all 3 experiences and he explained that there are somethings that are better left unsaid. He said “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” and I should assume that his past is Vegas. I think I had only one other situation like these after the talk with my dad. But at that point, I didn’t care anymore. Few years later, I graduated and within the next two years I was done with my NYSC (National Youth Service Corps: a mandatory program for graduates in Nigeria).

Within 6 months, I got a good job with a global technology company in Lagos, Nigeria. About 9 years later, I was promoted to “Head of Partnerships” role. It was an exciting time for myself and my family. To celebrate, my boss scheduled lunch for the people in my department for the following day. She made a reservation at a restaurant in Ikoyi’s brand new hotel, which is allegedly the most expensive hotel. I decided to leave earlier than usual that day to get my hair cut and buy a new outfit for the celebration. My boss approved this.

When we arrived at the hotel the next day, we had a waiter take us to our VIP dining room. It was so beautifully decorated. I’ve never seen anything better anywhere in the world. Shortly after we sat down, we had another staff who came by and spoke to my boss briefly. They happen to be friends. She then introduced herself to us as the owner of the hotel.

After the first course, I needed to use the restroom. On my way there, I saw the owner and greeted her quickly and continued to the restroom. On my way back, she looked at me again and then asked me to come over. I went over and she asked me for my name. And like my previous experiences, when I told her she asked me for my dad’s name. And when I told her that she screamed and bowed her head. In just a few seconds, she was sobbing. As I moved to comfort her, she told me she was ok and I shouldn’t worry. I was confused so I asked her what was going on and it was in these next few minutes that I understood the experiences I had in my first few months at university.

She explained that my dad was a “wild one”. He was known across campus as the most notorious player. He impregnated a lot of girls and had them get abortions. She was one of those girls he impregnated at the time. But unlike the rest of them, she refused to get an abortion and was forced to drop out of school as her parents disowned her. She ended up opening a canteen which she used to take care of her child and herself and has since grown her business into this huge hotel.

She said she harboured so much unforgiveness in her heart towards my dad until her daughter’s 15th birthday. She said so much more but I would rather not write it all. I consoled her anyway and then asked about her daughter’s whereabouts and if she’d like to reconnect with my dad.

It’s been a week now since this incident. My dad is not ready to meet her. But my mum has met her and her daughter. I hope for a future when we can all be at peace.

“Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.” – Thomas Mann.